Psalm 115

As I eagerly look forward to the next part of my life, I sought a quote that would best describe the direction I wanted my life to take. You know how it goes, all those cute, trendy blogs out there alter our perception of what my creative side is actually capable of. I brought down all my favorite books and scoured them for quotes that would fit me to a T. An ever popular source of quotes, it seems, at least in the circle of friends I choose to associate myself with, is the Lord of the Rings, but none of those seemed to fit me quite well enough. "Not all who wander are lost"-- well, I can tell you, it is quite likely that if I am wandering around a country I have never been to, I am going to get lost! My goal is to do it the fewest times possible. "There and back again"-- not quite the vibe I'm going for. I find that life does have mile stones, but I honestly hope to not end up the same as when I left, so I can't say I hope to come back to the exact same state I left. Or, the ever-mystical term "wanderlust," which, in my mind, is firmly associated with Lord of the Rings, but if you even know me a tiny bit, you know that the desire to move around is NOT innate. I love consistency. I love knowing what's going to happen. I love predictability and rules.

This next semester is going to have none of that.

I'm finally able to say it: next semester I am going to be studying abroad at Oxford! It feels so great to be able to say it! The entire process began almost a year ago, and God has made his presence known throughout the whole process (maybe not at the time, but gradually it became clearer and clearer).

It all started with your standard "why do you want to study abroad and name your five strengths even though you can't remember them" application. I was unsure-- I don't like making decisions that I don't know if I can or will follow-through on-- but eventually my dad told me, "Just turn it in. You can always not go." So I did. And then I forgot about it, until that crisp October day when I received the coveted golden ticket in my APU mail box. You know, the one that means you have a package, not just intercampus mail and bills. As a local student, I never receive packages, so this was already an exciting moment. Then. they bring out the gigantic manila folder stuffed with paperwork and an acceptance letter. Still clueless as to the contents of the large folder, but wondering if I had been given a secret assignment from the CIA, I peeked in the top to see, "Congratulations, Sarah!" I knew exactly what it was. Despite the fact I had only 8 minutes till class, I ran to the bathroom, middle stall, to examine the contents of my prize. Despite my happiness, I was still hesitant. I wouldn't want to say the magic words, "I'm going to England!" and then have them whisked away from me.

I told only a few friends, my parents, and my roommates. I kept it a secret, consuming my thoughts as I calculated costs and loans and flights and the unfortunately higher cost of everything in England. Struggling, I tried for weeks to work out how I could afford to go. I had a few weeks until the acceptance paperwork was due and I planned to use every minute of it. Gradually, it became clear that the additional hidden costs were too much. I couldn't justify going into that much debt for a semester. I'm already in enough as it is and I really needed to get a job and it didn't make financial sense. I couldn't work it out. I had to say "no".

That Friday, I hardened my heart and strode over to the study abroad office, ready to tell them that I couldn't make it happen, but thanks for the acceptance gift. They told me they would keep my file on hold. I laughed in my head; there was no reason for them to do that. Obviously, God didn't want me to go. Obviously he was teaching me to change my plans. Obviously, it didn't matter I was a little disappointed; life's hard. That's the way it is.

I was upset. I told myself I hadn't really wanted to go that much. And really, I do not doubt that I would be fine if that's the way the story ended. I do believe that God was teaching me to be flexible in my planning. To follow his directions. I hadn't been doing that for a while. It was my plans; ME trying to work it out. And ME believing that if I couldn't figure it out, then that must be what God wanted. Now, as I look back, I know that I was trying to figure everything out on my own and barely letting God have any of the situation. I must have known that at the time, especially at the end when I was so upset and confused. So I went home and told God I was finally ready to trust his direction again. That he could take this unexpected turn in my life and lead me where he wanted me to go. I didn't know he would lead it this way, though!

That same day, I went home to have dinner with my family (the beneficial side of not receiving packages from home because I live so close!). I told them I was fine, it was just the way it was, and I'd rather not talk about it, if it so pleased them.

Actually, they did want to talk about it. The money came through. Every time I think of this, it gives me chills. The money came through. I went to the office and got accepted into the fall semester. I found an extremely affordable plane ticket. I got a job this summer, that not only pays well, but will look great on a resume. The money came through.

This is where Psalm 115 comes in. It fits better than any inspirational quote from one of my favorite books ever could, because I understand those! The Bible is a lot harder to understand and keep at the forefront of my mind, but I know that is what I need to work to do.

My pride could easily swell in this situation. "I'm finally getting what I've worked for. I deserve this." Lord, let it not be so with my soul. This blog is titled Psalm 115 because the first part says,

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness."

Sunday night, as I found the words to tell my high school small group girls the wonderful things God has done in my life when I let him direct my path, I was firmly reminded that God is behind this. Like most things God has a hand in, I certainly do not deserve this. I certainly have not earned this. And I certainly never expected it to happen to me. So, Psalm 115 is as much of a reminder to me as it is to you every time you read my blog about my time in England that this is God's work and I am determined to glorify him through this.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity.